FYI... I haven't been using this blog anymore... and I've kind-of moved out.
Anyway, today's feature: A letter

A letter to a certain friend... Here goes:

at ponte vecchio, firenze... december 17, 2006

vicino l'Uffizi, also in Firenze... in pic: Mamy of Madagascar, me, Lisa of India, Reem of the Holy Land, and Sarah of New York

the sign on our room door... (officially) sick since december 19 but had sore throat since december 17 morning

i brought magenta with me to italy... i'm actually training her to wear glasses... hehehe, baliw

Couldn't refrain from posting this: I'm crushing on Tom Fletcher... He looks much better than Tom Felton (Harry Potter movies' Draco Malfoy); Felton was cuter in the earlier movies... Well, anyway, you don't expect anyone old & cute, haha!

Fletcher's a part of the band McFly, which I learned of when I watched Lindsay Lohan's Just My Luck. I fell in love with their songs... and yeah, another crush plus factor: Tom Fletcher wrote/co-wrote most of their #1 singles.

Learn more about McFly:

Took a second look at Tom today (not exactly second), he looks a bit like the younger Tom Felton... plus they're both Brits... it's just coincidence that they're both "Tom F."s, right?

Oh yeah, been trying to keep in touch with my artistic/creative side these past couple of weeks...

Tried Christmas cards, in addition to the anklet/bracelet creations I usually do at Bukas Palad Foundation, near Tramo-Buendia in the Pasay-Makati border. Speaking of... later will be my last day of work since on Tuesday... I will be... oh yeah. Sad, exciting, mixed... Tuesday marks the start of a new adventure ahead.

Wanted to write a poem... but I wasn't able to polish, much less finish, it... Here goes the sampler of nothing much yet:

I am going away...
Will be back someday
Won't be telling you when
Since it's your heart from which I'm walking away

For now, that's just what I have... They say it's the thought that counts... Well, there's this thought from someone typing right now that that's a poem, sort of... Does it count? Which counts? The poem or the thought?

Or maybe... I have just been brought out into this word to make your life confusing, more exciting... Will update this weekend or on Monday, hopefully... Bye for now! While waiting for my next post, please think about  my questions... HAHAHA!

Oh yeah, before signing off... Have you heard of the band, Breaking Benjamin? I just love their music... That's all!

Let's see... I will just leave one or two-line entries for the days I didn't post... This will bore you if you're uninterested... but please bear with me... after a few years, I might forget these dates, so I need to blog them (I believe.)

Aug 19 - appointment with the dentist... had teeth xrayed by another dentist; U-nite at Sta. Mesa

Aug 20 - did some shoe shopping with Mama

Aug 21 - dentist had fun removing two, healthy, not-so-useful-anymore-because-they-don't-have-biting-partners teeth, hehe; lunch with the HMs at Recipes by Cafe Metro, Greenbelt, had soup since solids would make my gums (which missed my molars) bleed; prepared to move out but Mama was so tired so I decided to postpone moving out to Tuesday

Aug 22 - Moved out-Moved in: Left home with Ate Kay thinking I was really joking that I was moving out the same day I told her I would... Transferred to my new home in Pasay, Casetta Splendente, where other gen Alice, Annalyne, Elisa, Rhoda, and Ana of Spain stayed

Aug 23 - Was scheduled to go out with Mama but didn't... slept a lot

Aug 24 - Got the camera Ate Ava mailed from the Post Office in Quezon City, it's a Pentax S50 which came with 1gb & 512Mb SD cards; instead of buying things I would need, Mama and I stopped by St. Luke's to see Dad (and bring him stuff he needed) who was admitted for an executive check up

Aug 25 - Went out to help sort New City magazines at Sta. Mesa

Aug 26 - Went out with Mama again... this time we went to Robinson's Palce - Ermita, a totally unfamiliar mall... bought stuff, which includes a new pair of eyeglasses! I discovered that I was having recurring headaches probably because I have been wearing eyeglasses which had lenses stronger than my eyes; so there had been stress and daily headaches, and now they're gone. Ma and I had very-late-lunch after at Aristocrat; That night there was a despedida, a going-away party, for the gen who were leaving, like Pam who's off to study at France and me who's off to Loppiano. They gave me new sandals too! Filipino-themed as it was made of abaca (I think). Some of my friendships also spent the night at the Casetta for some bonding moments. We had fun joking, talking, catching up, playing jackstones, and of course, having our pictures taken!

Aug 27 - Rode the FX with Rhoda, Aine and Icon to New York, Cubao for the New City Campaign... Icon passed on a virus he had the night before, hehe... I wasn't feeling too well the whole day; I learned that my flight was moved to two weeks aftetr the original schedule; Went with Ma, Dad, and Ate Kay to SM Manila to buy a few things we might need like CDs. Then we fetched Yin from her seminar in Intramuros, and had dinner at Pancake House, Harbour Square... It was our last dinner as a family for the year... but Coy wan't there because he went out with some friends.

Aug 28 - Woke up at 10am with a start, I was supposed to leave the house at 10am!!! Oh well, maybe I woke up late because I wasn't feeling good the night before. I went with Ana (Spanish) to the art galleries at SM Megamall. I introduced her to the LRT (Buendia to Edsa), the MRT (Taft to Ortigas), and the bus (we rode one to go home). She also did some shopping there; That night, Alice and I walked to the Lauretana for the 40th day Mass for Wedy's mom. We had dinner there after.

Aug 29 - Did loads of laundry!! Whew! That night, I saw Tin after mass.

Aug 30 - My first day of work at Bukas Palad. Was assigned to Production. So far, I have made some friendship bracelets but I sure would want to try other production activities too; Alice, Elisa, and I watched Just my Luck on the computer 'til 1am...

Aug 31 - Woke at 5:30am and brought Ana to the Centennial Terminal as she was goint to Palawan for 3 days. I got free rice for lunch from Ritchel's mom, Tita Nimfa Bolor; That afternoon, I walked to Harrison Plaza for mass. I really am getting used to walking long distances now. Alice treated me to free merienda at Mr. Donut. Then I went to Bangko Sentral and said short goodbyes to Ma and Dad since they were leaving the next day for official & unofficial trips to some places.

Sept 1 - I got free lunch from the Guans since Tita Dolor learned that I wasn't able to prepare something fo lunch. Left work early to do some errands... Hung out at NBS Harrison until Mass time. After Mass, I went with Fralynn while she looked for an electric kettle.

Sept 2 - Visited my siblings in Quezon City... Left the Casetta late so I arrived late. They didn't know I was coming, and I was surprised Mama did not mention it to them. Anyway, did lots of things like email, payment of bills... I decided to sleep over... I sure hope I would find clothes for tomorrow.

Whoa! An extremely long blog that would not interest you... But why should I care? This is my blog anyway... Reading this is your choice, not mine. Peace! Have a great September ahead!

as I've promised... I'm posting some pics... The following collage is composed of photos taken with my phone... And yup, those were all taken in one day... Call me crazy... I'll just say... "I know!"

I have more pictures posted at http://dementedstar.blogspot.com/ ... I'm having difficulty uploading stuff here at blogdrive so I used blogspot & Picasa.

Will blog again soon! Have a great weekend!

Happy birthday to all August celebrants! I'm sending my birthday greetings to cousins Fallon Lopez (USA) and Jared Lopez (Canada), and to my Tito Mari Lopez!

Okay... update time! Haven't been blogging, though I planned to for so many times...

Aug 13 - (St. Scho Manila) celebrated the Feast of St. Claire, Focolare gathering, there were skits, songs, a celebration of the Holy Mass, chocolate cupcakes (yum!), and ice cream... got to see the Gen... took lots of pictures with Ate Yin while my family ate ice cream

            - went to a mall afterwards to buy some stuff Coy needed for Lab at school and for dinner... we also got to buy books at National Book Store, there were books which sold at up to 70% off the original price... nice, but I didn't really want any of those I saw... it was very much unlike the times I went around the bookstore and found so many books interesting... but then again, maybe I'm not that interested because I'm cleaning up my room so that there would be zero to little mess when I leave

Aug 9 - Hot Mama Thea's birthday! miss ya, sis! Wishing to see you and the rest of the HMs on the 21st

Aug 6 - Went for dinner at Somethin' Fishy in Eastwood with my family, Dad's officemate, and Yin's godfather, who also worked at the Bangko Sentral years ago

Aug 4 - I got so disappointed with someone who, for me, acted like she didn't hear any of my suggestions... Almost reached boiling point but I let it go since I noticed the lady was half-heartedly doing what she was doing for me and someone else from the start anyway.

         - Oh yeah, the Gen arcobianchi also made a surprise dinner party for Lela... which was supposed to start at about 7:30, but instead started at 9pm! Hahahaha.

By the way, lately, I've been in a toinks mode. Toinks = it's the sound you make when you're knocking (or mocking, haha) sense into somebody. *toinks*

Have a great week, everyone!

I'm posting some pictures later...

No one has a perfect life. We sometimes just pretend we do.

Last week I had problems I chose not to talk about with anyone... Until I got so fed up, sad, & tired that I told one of my friends. How am I anyway when in pain? Picture this: lots of whining sessions, angst, hatred, my silence, 60s music or Breaking Benjamin music (got to know the band when I was browsing the Hollywood Records site).

This was what I learned from what my friendship told me: Sometimes it's alright to be in a monji (a term we coined to represent whatever feeling: either happiness, ecstasy, sadness, glumness, slight hate, mild anger, just whatever) state... that it is natural. It really is hard to love. Love and sacrifice are alike in the sense that they are both difficult to do. She also told me of our lifetime mission: to love our brother or sister.

Our conversation was a gift really, as it brought comfort and because I was reassured that I had a friend who would go with me through the journey of loving a sibling. The feeling that someone understands you and goes through the same thing was great. She even told me that if I felt like giving up, I should just tell her so we'd help each other up.

It's nice to know there are people who are willing to ride a cramped rusty car with you, even if the road ahead is long, rocky and winding, even if there are times that we just won't be able to understand why but we need to go on, even if we could get hurt and wounded half of the ride. I'm just grateful I've got great friends!

A coin has two faces, heads or tails...A coin would not be a coin without either side. Sometimes, people get to see the tails face when the coin lands; other times they see the face-face first.  It's just like life: High times or low, happiness or sadness...Life cannot be lived without experiencing the highs and lows. And sometimes, the high moments come first; other times the low times do.

Happiness would never be truly experienced and felt without going through pain, sadness, or effort. (You'd never know something was sad if you haven't been happy either.) Sometimes, giving up, letting go, and crying have to be undergone... just as it is necessary for the sun to set before it starts another day with its rising. Don't lose hope...

There are also times when luck makes life so-so, just as coins can sometimes stand on its smooth or ribbed side, until it gives up and shows either heads or tails. Oh yeah, life sure is like a coin.

my previous post was a bit serious... it's picture time!

in the picture (right to left): Mama, me, Tita Ces Panganiban-Dulce, Fr. Mandy Panganiban (Tita Ces' brother), my cousin Sherwin (Tita Ces' son), Tita Evelyn Panganiban (Tita Ces' sister)

picture taken & edited in Yin's SE Z520i, I placed my name using MS Paint

I hope I could upload more... soon!

Someone from my family said I was mayabang; Then I heard an explanation that complacency was part of being mayabang. I was told that I was so complacent, at some point during my college years, believing that even if I wouldn't study, I would get through my college years... And because of that, I lost my scholarship...

Maybe that is one side of the story. I have my own... Come on... I can defend myself, right? I believe that I went through some emo moments, and a confusing one at that, in college.

Don't blame me; all my life, I had this security blanket of a school where I studied from Kinder to Senior year high school. If in 2001, my school expanded and had college courses, I wouldn't leave it. Even though in some of my growing years, we left our Marikina residence (which was 5 minutes or less away from school) to stay at my Lolo's (grandfather's) house in Quezon City, my parents couldn't make me transfer to another school. I stayed at Mother of Divine Providence School for 12 years! Yup, that's where the loyalty award medals came from.

Going to college was one of my fears. It was a bit exciting, as you'd get to step on those Universities that played in the televised UAAP basketball games. Honestly, I have dreamt of going to the Ateneo de Manila University for most of my high school years. It had an advantage: it was near home. I was so dependent on my family and school, so I thought either of the two would assist me in getting an application form, et cetera. But deadline for application passed and all I had was a UP (University of the Philippines) application, one which I was so sure I messed up due to lack of sleep and lack of interest in the college admission test. Then, Mari Faye, our class president in high school asked me to apply with her to De La Salle University, which was so far from Marikina City. Her aunt (?) was going to get us the application and all I had to do was pay and submit. So I applied, and as luck would have it, at the end of the school year, all I had was the letter from La Salle telling me that I was accepted. My luck, I didn't even dream of going to that school.

So there, from a small-city small-school to the Philippines' capital city and a University I didn't dream of. I was sooooo shy. I didn't even look at my guy classmates in frosh year when I talked to them, I was just so unused to a large student population. I got so afraid of facing this larger institution. I just had a hard time adjusting to it, plus the trimestral system which was so fast-paced. And I was so used to not studying in high school. Would you believe that in high school I said this on one of the days of our Quarterly Exams: Ano na ba next exam? Or... while seated and waiting for the test papers to be given out, I asked: Anong subject 'tong ibibigay? I was like that in high school, I almost-never studied. And I did that because I passed and got no grade lower than 80, so why exert more effort? Of course there were regrets years after... I could have learned more and I could have graduated with more than a "With Distinction"... There was even a teacher who told me that I could even be valedictorian, if only I had studied. Well, no one really regrets until everything's done right?

So there... My parents sort-of fretted when I graduated high school; La Salle was known for its expensive tuition fee (but wait, there's more: rich students and fashion-conscious population). So they got me a scholarship. More than middle-class tuition fees was one factor they pointed out when they asked me about college, and I told them I wanted to go to the Ateneo, and they told me we couldn't afford Ateneo; we wouldn't be eating if I went there. So they were happy: the burden of looking for money for my tuition fee was solved. And they got so disappointed when I lost in at the end of my first year. Then they reapplied me...

Then I lost it again in the first term of my second year: I didn't get the quota grade for a major subject which was worth 6.0 units. My GPA really dropped that time. And it was about that time I really lost the scholarship...

For me, the reason for not reaching 83, the retention grade for that subject was this: I was so dependent on my parents, and my ride to school. So, when Mama went to the United States to accompany Lolo for his hospitalization (he got free hospitalization there as he was a US Veteran), Dad had to drive Yin to school and as he couldn't bring me to school anymore, I had to commute.

All my life, I had people waking me up, pushing me to move, bringing me to school that I couln't just get up, move fast, and leave the house early that term. For the second half of my first term in my sophomore year in Accountancy, I truly messed up, and I am not proud of that. But I'm sure I screwed that term up big time... There were times when, for my Mon-Wed-Fri class that was from 8am-10am, I would just attend the second half as I was so late and there was terrible traffic. I missed lots of lessons, and lots of short quizzes (which were given during the first 15 minutes of the subject). That subject took 50% of the grade for the first half and 50% of the final half to get the grade. I got the 2.0 requirement for the first half... so if I got a 1.0 at the end of the term, I got a 0.0 for the second half? sheesh... That was my fault as I was emo, I was so dependent... but I'm sure I have learned... a bit late but I did and I got my Bachelor's Degree, a couple of terms delayed, but I'm happy. And that is my side of the story. I still think I was not being complacent like in high school, I still attribute those low grades to the emotional turmoil, the fear, and the inability to adjust the soonest possible.

Or maybe, I'm really mayabang, because I wouldn't accept the fact that what I was told could be true. I dunno.

Whew... and it all started when I asked my Dad on the way home from Lian, Batangas if pride ran in the genes. Of course, he told me it didn't... That people had the choice. I still think that some of our pride comes from our genes (or maybe we feel so because it is in the environment), some from our environment, and a part of it comes from our choice (as to how we would live our life).

Hmm... I think I'm having an interesting week... I've been busy so far. Yesterday, Sunday, I had a retreat... And earlier today, I went with my parents to Lian, Batangas for Fr. Armando Panganiban's celebration of his silver jubilee (25 years) as a priest. Fr. Mandy is my Dad's friend. He's also Tita Ces Dulce's brother. Tita Ces is my Dad's sister-in-law. She went home from California just for the occasion.

Oh yeah, I started this day with a little sleep (yup, again)... I tried to make Coy's project better-looking, did some format-editing, spellchecking, and I finished at 2am! Slept til about 5am; Mama woke me up sa we could leave early for Batangas... They estimated a long trip since it has been raining since Saturday and for sure, the streets would be slippery and wet. Mama went out for a while and I kind-of went back to sleep mode, til almost 6am, when I opened my eyes and realized that Mama was back and I wasn't able to do anything!

We left the house at about quarter to 7, and I tried to take little naps once in a while. We arrived at St. John the Baptist Church - Lian at past 9, just in time for the activities which were slated to start at 9:30pm. It wasn't hard to find Lian and the church since there were so many people on the streets. They were there to welcome Cardinal Rosales, who is Batangueño. Classes there were even suspended so they could welcome the Cardinal! There was a mass which ended at 12... Then there was lunch, chikahans, merienda, more chikahan... and we got to leave the priest's place at past 6:30...

Oh yeah, Fr. Mandy is malakas kay God. It was raining (hard) from Manila to the towns before Lian, but Lian was blessed with a sunny day (Except for some light rain late in the afternoon)! Tagaytay is also so foggy, Mama had a hard time driving through some parts of the trip, especially on the way home, as it was already dark. We did a stopover at a McDonald's in Tagaytay and took a light dinner. Then we went through some fog, went through SLEX, blah blah blah... Hehehe... We got home at a quarter past 10! Whew!

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Oh yeah, went through an old blog... Friendster, to be exact. It had only one entry, and it was unpublished. These are the unpublished contents:

BLOG NAME/BLOG INTRO: silent scream - i need release... i need to blog about anything to everything that's on my mind right now... blogging would be much better than SCREEEAAMING... i just think so... as it is past one in the morning and the streets are dark and silent... no, i wouldn't wake everyone with a deafening, ear-piercing SCREEEAAM! *sigh*

UNPUBLISHED POST: June 16, 2005, 11:16am

I LOVE...

just wanted to type... don't go rambling about this being useless... this is my personal space anyway, so if you don't want what's on this page... i'm warning you... bug off! (before I go kaboom!)

right now... i love...

food
(1) bibingka
(2) hashbrowns
(3) Red Ribbon's tiramisu meltdown... wow! all those dark choc
(4) meiji black
(5) mangoes
(6) pizza with pepperoni on it
(7) pasta... yummy!
(8) corn flakes...
(9) ruffles sour cream and cheddar
(10) milo papak

animals (real and not)
(1) CHAMP! oh, i just love that toy poodle... so adorable...
he waited every morning for that moment I'd wake up and go out of the room to greet and scrath him! CUTE!
(2) timon & pumbaa... they're a team... why separate them?
(3) miller... a puppy more than 10 years ago... sho-mai... the dog had cute back legs... they looked like he was wearing shorts!
(4) Doggie... our current dog who I call doggie since I don't like the name Coy gave her.
(5) Poopies 1, 2, and 3... they were Doggie's children... too bad, they didn't live to be 1 this june!

places i recently visited
(1) Northfield... though it was awfully quiet at times... this city is part of the state Minnesota... the home of the Twolves
(2) Chicago... yes the palce is windy but it's what makes it fun, I think
(3) Krystel's place... i just love hanging out there... i especially loved it last tuesday, with the rest of the HMs (Cams, Dani, Jo, Mean, Thea, Toni, Xtel... Kirsten wasn't there)
(4) Singapore, though I didn't get to try the reverse bungee jumping...  it's an ultra-clean place... I loved Sentosa and Siloso beach on that island...
(5) Bora... most recent... the clean-looking sand... the island hopping trip... the henna tattoo i got... the beauty of the place and the no-pressure living...

oh shoot! I should stop this before I get distracted from schoolwork...

I wonder what the HMs would want to do after the grad of more than half of us...

Hmm... obviously, wrote that when I was still in college. Just wanted to share what I now think I didn't post because I didn't have a nice blog name. Oh yeah, I'm so lame at inventing blog names or blog addresses! Guess you can't really be creative or innovative in everything! I just think that sometimes some names are cute but not generally like-able, or sometimes, they are just names which would make people curious as to why that was chosen. Blog names that can sound weird may  be hashbrowns or pinksky (which are spur-of-the-moment ideas)... Well, one way of making people have no choice but to accept the blog name is choosing your own name... Haha, a bit lazy... But hey, they can't really complain. Your parents invented (or copied or plain thought of) them... It wasn't like you were asked in the first place. Weird thought: What if you got to choose your name at age 3, 5, or 7? Would you be nameless before you do the choosing?